i already hear my dad disowning me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
as a side note pls kill me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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