fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
