I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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