I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
