none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I believe in your delicious
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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