I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
