____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
