she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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