btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
