So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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