working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
