He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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