swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Did I show you my penis last night?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
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I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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