Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
