I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
