careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
