Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
