Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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