That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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