It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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