If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
