so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
party gras won. party gras always wins.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
