Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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