Buhtt sex?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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