I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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