my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
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Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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