bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
