I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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