So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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