from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
