Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
