I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
