you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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