I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
