oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
