it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
