3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
