i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
