i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
