The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
