Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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