Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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