I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
