I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
