Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
