Already got asked if we're dating
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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