We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
