I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My cat gives me a boner
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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