She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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