im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just cropdusted the office
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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