My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We are two peas in an std pod
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
