Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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