Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
