ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
