Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my sisters under your porch take her home
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
