No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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