Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize