you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
