dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
