You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
